For a half century or more the only New Year's resolution I ever thought up consisted of three words: "LOSE WEIGHT, DUMMY!" Not that I'm excessively over the mark. In fact, my doctor has never brought up the subject. Might be because he could use a 40-pound trimming himself. All I've ever wanted to shed was a measly 10 pounds.

Last January, I again resolved I'd lose those same 10 pounds. So I ate more vegetables, more fruit and joined the YMCA. A weigh-in last week showed I have lost the grand total of one pound since January. Let's see. With nine more pounds to go at a rate of a pound a year, I should reach my goal by the end of the year 2013.

By that time, I should have all the experience required to write a diet book. I've already thought of a title. I'll either call it "Is Your Obesity Widespread?" or "You Who Stuffeth… Puffeth!" This will likely result in an exercise video. Then will come interviews by Oprah, Larry King and all those network morning shows. Finally, I'll probably be signing a contract for my own daily TV fitness show surrounded by the usual bevy of stretching and churning lovely young ladies.

Supposedly, because we Seasoned Citizens are doing less work than we used to, we should be less hungry as years go by. But what chance does a guy like me have when your wife is such a superb cook and loads up your plate for you in the kitchen. Remember when your mom demanded you eat every scrap off your plate? Other kids were going hungry, she grimly noted, so I guess we had to somehow eat enough for them too. Now, when my plate comes to the table already loaded with a slab of meat, mashed potatoes and gravy, veggies and salad, followed by a slice of something ala mode, I don't want to dishonor my long-ago promise to Mom. So I eat it. All of it.

I have been doing an enormous amount of research into food and diets in preparation for the dieting book I plan to publish in nine years. Here are some examples:

• The best way to lose weight is by skipping… skipping snacks, skipping desserts… skipping anything that tastes good.
  
  
• Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories, because as everyone knows movies aren't for real.
  
  
• Foods that are the same color have exactly the same number of calories. Examples: mushrooms and vanilla ice cream; red beets and rare beef; brown rice and chocolate chip cookies.
  
  
• It is totally permissible to eat such things as ice cream, frozen pies and Popsicles. That is because calories are a unit of heat. Frozen foods do not produce heat, so therefore they are not fattening.
  
  
• Finally, diets are only for people who are thick and tired of it. (Get it? How could you resist buying this informative book!)

If you want to know how all this overweight business began, you should turn to the Scriptures… more specifically, Chapter 1 of the Book of Temptations, Verses 1 through 6. "What?" you say, "where in the Bible can you find the Book of Temptations?" I'm told there are some 27 versions of the Bible. I haven't read them all so who am I to quibble? It reads thusly:

The Book of Temptations

1. In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, beans and many other plants He called "vegetables." On trees grew succulent objects called "fruits." Their purpose was to allow Man and Woman to live long and healthy lives. Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created doughnuts, candy and ice cream. And Satan said, "You want hot fudge with that ice cream?" And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said, "I'll have another with sprinkles." And lo they gained 10 pounds.
   
   
2. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented heaps of bleu cheese crumpled over creamy dressing to place on the salad, with buttered Texas garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
   
   
3. God then said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetable and olive oils in which to lightly sauté the wholesome vegetables." And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter and chocolate cheesecake for dessert. And Man's glucose levels spiked through the roof.
   
   
4. God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan offered cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil so hard changing channels. And Man and Woman, with bowls of chips at their fingertips, laughed and cried hours on end before the flickering TV light and started lounging in loose-fitting jogging suits.
   
   
5. Then God brought forth lean meat so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created the 99-cent double cheeseburger, followed by the Monster Burger with its cheese, bacon, two pounds of hamburger and mayonnaise on buttered sesame seed bun and said, "Want fries with that?" And Man and Woman shouted, "Yes! Yes! And super size 'em!" Then, Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
   
   
6. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMOs. Amen!