ANCESTORS

Where do you come from? Or, more specifically, WHO do you come from?

Have you ever taken the trouble to delve into your family history to find out what your ancestors did? What were their accomplishments? How did they mark their time on this planet? What legacy has been left by those who preceded you? These are questions that become more interesting the further you pursue them.

Lately I've been doing a bunch of research into my family's past and have discovered some fascinating stories I think you'll be interested to hear. Let me begin by saying I had no idea that my ancestors were as prominent and active in important affairs as they were.

I guess I'm pretty much like most other people. I live my life day-to-day and don't consider myself to be particularly outstanding in any one area of life.

Well! I discovered that I'd better mend my ways and start to make a mark on the world, because my family legacy is one of bold adventure, rare accomplishments and startling discoveries. I have a lot to live up to! See if you don't agree.

Buck Washington was known as the "Father of His Country." The most famous of my ancestors is best remembered for founding the United States of Buckland - a narrow strip of territory right on the border between the U.S. and Mexico. This turned out to be a shrewd move because everybody crossing the border, northbound or southbound, had to pass through his country. He made a killing selling cheap cigarettes, beer, tacky souvenirs, and lottery tickets, ESPECIALLY lottery tickets.

For years Buck Washington sold lottery tickets by the boatload and banked the money in a secret-numbered Swiss bank account. Whenever anyone asked him for the winning lottery numbers, he explained, "We're gonna have a drawing any day now. As soon as we sell enough tickets to make a really big jackpot!"

As I said, nobody knows exactly how long he was able to pull off this scam, but it must have worked for years. Because one day ol' Buck disappeared into thin air, leaving his trusting customers clutching handfuls of worthless lottery tickets. It's rumored he bought an island somewhere in the South Pacific, stocked it with a staff of personal servants and guarded it with a private (and nasty) army.

Buck Lloyd Wright was a famous architect who made a lasting mark on the American landscape.

This visionary thinker perfected a technique of construction that was light yet strong, combined the advantages of cheap and plentiful materials with the economy of unskilled labor and solved a major recycling issue all at the same time. What he did was to figure out how to build skyscrapers from empty aluminum beer cans stuck together with super glue. The cans were small and pliable enough to be formed into innumerable decorative shapes, while the super glue was strong enough to hold the entire mass together against the most potent forces of nature. Except one.

Unfortunately for Buck, one day his most famous skyscraper, the two hundred-story Coors Tower in downtown Denver was struck by lightning. Fortunately this happened at night when nobody was in the building. The massive lightning strike instantly melted the entire structure, which ran into the streets and sewers of the city before it hardened, forming a massive aluminum ingot fused into the ground.

It took the City of Denver three years and countless millions of dollars to remove the mess. Buck Lloyd Wright died alone and penniless shortly thereafter.

Buck Whitney is remembered as an inspired inventor whose picture hangs in many taverns across the land. This is in gratitude for his invention of cotton gin. No, I didn't say THE cotton gin. I said cotton GIN. Buck invented a method of saturating cotton with gin and packaging it in little foil envelopes. A pocketful of these handy envelopes will satisfy the most demanding alcoholic for an entire afternoon. Just tear off a corner, suck out the contents and feel the buzz. Very handy for commuter trains or a long evening at the symphony…anywhere carrying a bottle would be in poor taste.

Buck Lindbergh was unfortunately overshadowed by his younger brother, Charles. Buck was convinced that it was possible to make a solo crossing of the Atlantic Ocean in a steam locomotive, if only it was traveling fast enough when it left land. Poor Buck ran out of steam about half a mile off the coast of New Jersey. His misadventure made a brief splash in the newspapers, but today he sleeps with the fishes, alone and unremembered.

Another ancestor who was overshadowed by his brothers was the hapless Buck Edison.

This forgotten inventor was so jealous of the success of his older brother, Tom, he undertook to invent machines that would undo his famous brother's accomplishments. The stupidest and least successful of all his brainstorms was a huge rubber ear he called his "listening machine." This was designed to sit in front of an Edison talking machine and listen to it when everybody was too busy to be there in person. His one useful contribution to mankind was the BB gun, which is still kinda fun for popping light bulbs.

Buck Franklin was a printer who made his mark in the early days of our country by publishing the irritating tract "Poor Buck's Almanac." This sorry piece of rubbish was a little handbill listing all the lame reasons why Buck was broke and why he should be supported by the government. He used to stand on a busy street corner in Philadelphia handing out his publication and begging for spare change. His one contribution to the success of our fledgling nation was his hobby of teaching British soldiers to fly kites in thunderstorms, thus reducing the ranks of the enemy we had to fight in our War of Independence.

Lest you conclude all my ancestors were men. Let me leave you with the story of Joan "Buck" of Arc. This young lady showed deep religious conviction early in her life as she labored in culinary school to earn the cherished position of cook for the local monastery. Having worked long and hard to achieve her life's goal, she was devastated when she was FIRED for burning the steaks.

See? Didn't I tell you I come from a long line of creativity and unique accomplishments? I'd better get on the stick. I'll keep ya posted on my progress.

See ya around.

BUCK

If you have any questions or comments or if you just want to do some porch settin' and chew the fat for a little while, you can reach me on the Internet at guystuffbybuck@yahoo.com.