ANOTHER SENIOR MOMENT
No Super Bowl Appearance For Me
by Jim Sponseller

I never thought I'd live long enough to see the day when rock 'n rollers would be old enough to join our hallowed fraternity of Senior Citizens. Yet, there it was in print. All kinds of headlines appeared around New Year's Day announcing that members of the Baby Boomer Generation, which includes people born between 1943 and 1960 - were starting to turn 60 years old this year. This makes them eligible to call themselves Senior Citizens.

The articles used as an example a fellow named Mick Jagger who is apparently the conductor of a quite popular musical organization called the Rolling Stones. A close-up photo of the British vocalist and guitar instrumentalist in the newspaper sure didn't look like someone around 60. As the head Rolling Stone, he appeared to have gathered considerable more than 60 years worth of moss. I have 80-year-old friends who look younger. Maybe it was just his bad haircut - or lack of one.

Newspaper articles also appeared announcing that this very same Mr. Jagger and his ensemble had been selected to entertain during the half-time show of Super Bowl XL right here in the Motor City. (For those of you who don't read or speak Roman, the numeral "XL" stands for the number 40. And in case you haven't heard, they play the game of football in the Super Bowl. Who says you don't learn anything by reading this column?)

Anyway, things got a little dicey last month when a few of the older Baby Boomers got their noses out of joint because of the show. It seems that the company producing the so-called "colossal half-time extravaganza" were looking for 2,000 local people to sing, dance and cheer down on the field as Mr. Jagger and his associates performed. But they only wanted people who were between the ages of 18 and 45. The controversial rule meant that the Stones, who boast a combined age of 245, could be excluded from their own show.

Apparently fearing that some aging Baby Boomers and even some of us Seniors might turn rowdy over the snub, the National Football League a week later changed the rules. They announced they were "accepting applications from anyone 18 years and up. No age limit." This got my attention.

As a fervent sports fan and observer of the Super Bowl every year, I figured that here was an opportunity I simply could not afford to pass up. Instead of sitting home in front of the TV with the usual foot-long submarine sandwich, a box of chicken wings, a bag of Cheetos and a roll of Tums, I'd finally get to see the game up-close and LIVE! And, while some 65,000 other fans would be taken for hundreds or even thousands of dollars for a single seat, I could sing and dance my way into Ford Field with a free ticket!

I had to admit it's been a few years since I've done much dancing. Actually, I can only do one dance step. But it's a very popular one. At least it was when I last used it back in the 1930s and 40s. It's called the fox trot. I wasn't sure what dance step would be used by the performers, but with 1,999 other people hoofing away down there on the football field, who would notice if I'm missing a beat or two?

As for my singing, I must immodestly admit that I do have considerable experience. It was about 55 years ago that I sang in the bass section of the church choir for two months. Although I didn't know what tune Mr. Jagger and his orchestra would want me to vocalize with them, I figured that anyone who could sing the "Hallelujah Chorus" could surely handle just about anything old Mick could throw at us.

Finally, I have to confess that the whole idea of appearing on worldwide TV and waving to all my friends who will be watching the game at home simply set my mind a-twittering.

Convinced that I was just the type of talent that would help bring surefire success to the aging Mr. Jagger and his company, I re-read the newspaper article once more to see where to submit my application. Also, I finally read the story to the very end. Oh-oh. How did it miss this?

According to the article, the folks staging the show warned: "The job will be physically challenging. Participants will be on their feet for long periods and they will need to enter and exit the field quickly." Then they added, "Participants must also attend up to five rehearsals that could last seven hours each." Then came the final blow: "The volunteer dancers will be expected to wait standing in a tunnel during the game's first half."

It was then that I started putting two and two together. How can I see the game if I'm standing in a tunnel? This must mean there's no seat awaiting any of us to watch the game. Not even standing room only. Like so many cattle, 2,000 sweaty humans would be shoe-horned into that tunnel waiting… waiting… and waiting some more.

They didn't say so, but I bet that as the half-time show ended, we would be herded out the back door and told to go home so we don't create an additional traffic jam after the game for the paying customers. Darned if I was going to offer my dancing, singing and cheering talents without any reward. Do they think us Senior Citizens were born yesterday? We're now wise to these con games. So I quit! (Well, I didn't exactly have the satisfaction of quitting since I hadn't joined in the first place.)

So, come Super Bowl Sunday, you won't see me waving at you on TV from Ford Field. I'll be back home in front of my own TV, stretched out on my La-Z-Boy. Then I'll order up a foot-long sub, a box of chicken wings and big bag of Cheetos. But I've decided to change the menu somewhat. Instead of ordering a roll of Tums, I think I'll try the Maalox.

Jim can be emailed at: sponcom@ameritech.net.