GUARDIAN'S GARDEN GUIDANCE
Gardening Experiences
by Homer Bailey, Master Gardener Trainee

It seems that every year I mutter those words, as I put away the tools of failure from a spring and summer spent gambling on a successful crop. A farmer once told me that farming should be illegal; everything about farming is a gamble. In the spring we check our mail for the first seed catalogues, marvel at the beautiful pictures of the vegetables, which we know ours won't bear any resemblance to. We marvel at the 900-pound pumpkin yet we know that if the garden gods granted our wishes and we grew even one 500-pounder we couldn't move it. It would lay right there and rot, leaving us with a 500-pound mess to clean up. I saw a bluebird, pointed it out to my wife and all she said was, "Don't even think about planting the garden today, this is March."

I like to wait until Mother's Day to plant tomatoes, the chance of frost is past, according to the weatherman - except in low-lying areas. Well, I don't think tomatoes grow on mountains, and I don't want to move, so I guess I will plant in low-lying areas. When starting my garden I plant my seed rows first. I guess you could call them rows even though they tend to weave a bit. I know I could have planted the seed and potatoes earlier, and I did. I just can't find them. I planted them a month ago and nothing happened. The Leprechauns must have been hungry again.

My annual shopping trip in search of the best plants always is a bit disappointing. It seems that I am just a day late as the nursery helpers tell me that they are sorry, they just sold out of that variety yesterday, so I buy some small, wilted, pathetic-looking plants which many have passed over, in hopes that I can put them in the ground and they will bear something similar to a vegetable. I planted some of these mystery plants last year, and my wife saw them and asked what they were supposed to be! I told her that I didn't know - we would just need to wait and see what comes up. I think they were cucumbers; my wife thinks they were stunted zucchini. They did taste good though, with a pat of butter.

I till the garden, pick rocks and throw them to the side to be gathered later only to have my helper, our Golden, chase whatever I throw and as retrievers do she brings them back to me. If she likes the rock, bone, or stick, she buries it back in the garden so that I can find it next year. After everything finally makes it into the ground, I retrieve our 300 feet of garden hose; well it's really one 100-foot and four 50-footers. I attach the hose to the outside faucet; turn on the water and am instantly soaked in an ice bath. I turn off the water, unscrew the hose and discover that someone has sneaked in our barn and pilfered the rubber hose ring again. Seems to happen every year.

Uncle Sam tells me that my hobby farm can show a loss for five years, then I must show a profit. This is year five, so I expect a bumper crop. My granddaughter, Monkey, offered to help me; I was pleased. I like to see youngsters develop good work habits. I told her that she could help her grandmother remove weeds from the flower garden. I checked on her progress and discovered that the poppies and grape hyacinth looked like they had been hit with a weed whacker. To a five-year-old, if it doesn't have a flower, it's a weed.

For more information on other gardening interests or the events listed above, call the Master Gardener office in Huron County at 989-269-9949.